FORGIVE YOURSELF

A lot of time, people say “forgive those who wronged you”! I think I could deal with forgiving people. What I can’t deal with is “forgiving myself”.

Because I’ve made a too costly mistake that if it wasn’t for grace, it would have cost me much more than what I had lost. I can deal with the bitterness towards you, I can deal with the fight of letting go, I can choose to hate you and pretend you didn’t happen. I can act like I didn’t miss the opportunity, but I can’t get rid of the questions. Questions like “was I not prepared enough, were there people better, what could I have done differently?, did I deserve it”? 

So, I can forgive you! I just need to hate the idea that you happened. I can forge ahead and while at it, prepare myself for better opportunities. But I cannot stop to ask why! And I cannot stop to wonder if there were things I could have done better. 

For me, I think the grudge isn’t at person - or doesn’t forever remain with the person - it’s more at the situation and how I could have allowed it! I also stay conflicted at how “how could I have allowed that be done to me”? It’s almost like I had to hate myself to let that be done to me.

I am seated and thinking “I need to forgive you”, but to forgive you, I have to forgive myself; to forgive myself, I have to erase EVERYTHING! But how can I erase everything? I can’t void myself of a reality that occurred, it’d be crazy and wrong for my memories. 

This is the only time “it’s not you, it’s me, is fulfilled”. It’s me. I can’t. I don’t know how to let this go, I am mad at myself. I can play this 100 times and I could have done things differently, so why didn’t i? So it’s not you, it’s me and it’s really me. It’s that I am too conflicted, too void of understanding, too disappointed in myself, too full of guilt and what ifs, too settled in the opinion that all I had to do was to pass by you or not have met you for me to be here.

You are not my fight! I am my fight but it’s unfortunate that until I figure it out, I might never understand how to let go and that puts my ability to forgive you on a much later note. Because I can’t extend grace in a situation where I am damaged and I fear that forgiving you would mean denying myself of a repair, of an explanation or even a fair trial. Worse, forgiving you means I have increased the risk of having that situation re occur. I just hate so much to be collateral damage for people’s ignorance. 

I would forgive you, I would! But to forgive you, I need to forgive myself. This isn’t always the case, depending on gravity of the situation. Sometimes, I need to create an explanation in my head that rids you of fault so you are not guilty in the occurrence. 

So I am left to deal with forgiving myself.