PROMISED

I promised that I wouldn’t look back again

That I wouldn’t sit back in this place. 

Lest I turn into a pillar of salt.

But promises are easy to make. 

I am sorry but I can’t keep 

those promises today. 

I am happy, but I am anxious.

I am glad, but I am conscious.

I am not sure how best to feel.

I can’t get back that version of myself.

Heavens knows I’ve tried 

I’ve retraced my steps.

What you took was my inner child

And I lied when I said I’d figure it out.

I’ve sat with myself.

The guilt of what I allowed gives me fear.

I think I need time to grief

Maybe lock myself up in some cell.

What you took from me, was life in itself. 

And I thought it had no effect.

But look, I am very much stuck here.

And I am scared as hell.

People write all the time, 

But it’s unfair what you make 

me write about.

You show up in everything that I am.

While I am trying so hard to live my life.

It’s frightening.

You hurt me badly.

I thought I recovered

But this morning burns like hell.

I also think that I am disappointed in myself.

I cannot agree that one could be free and still hurt like this.

I cannot believe that this is what it feels like to be free and do what’s best for me.

It burns like hell.

I promised that I wouldn’t look back

But now, I can’t see a front. 

Dear God, it hurts. 

Oh you took all of me.

Everything I could be.

I swore to my friends it was 

the last of things I could give. 

Now that I’ve decided to take back my words, you sat at the door of what I need.

You broke me bad

And it makes me feel weak

Every time I revisit the altar of 

the pains you caused me.

It wouldn’t go away, I’ve tried. 

I’ve broken my promises too many time.

Oh, I’ve cried.

And I’ve dug out the matters I 

kept hidden in my heart.

I can’t keep my promises today.

Maybe tomorrow wouldn’t feel this way.

I promise, I will try.