FIRST HALF OF A LONG YEAR

I’ve heard that the craziest days of our lives are the ones we leave behind. And I think that’s crazy because I am still stuck, but it’s hard to tell myself that because somehow, I keep showing up every where, I can remember telling Lola, almost all day this year, I say to her “God is testing my faith - a bit too much, I am having a long and rough 2025” I know 2024 was crazy but this one? It’s crazier, because all hell is breaking and I know it’s not the end but it’s breaking and it’s breaking me because I am not present in the moments but the moments are breaking me, and I can’t put together what to do. Not because I don’t know what to do, but I am not sure if to. 

I want to, I should but I can’t seem to be doing anything, but I am doing something but I don’t know to do or not do. I want to explain this but how do I? That I am thinking on a 120% but performing on a 30% and that I am showing up but that’s not the best I can do. That there’s capacity, but I can’t be in the moment; I am here but I am missing myself.

I am with you but I can’t process what’s happening at this moment and I am bit too stuck in the grief of what I’ve lost that I can’t put my faith into something new. How do I say that to you? I am giving myself, I am created to serve, but this isn’t my best.

So, I am sat in between my failures and my inadequacies and making decisions that requires me erasing those, but I don’t know how to let them go because they broke me so much that they are redefining me but I can’t allow that to be the fullness of myself, because I’ve got lives dependent on me. I need to show up for myself so I can show up for them. But how do I? 

I want to explain to you that the price is too costly to be paid, and I’ve thought I’ve paid it but my ROI doesn’t fit the investment I gave. The battles I am fighting supersedes the strength I have and when I win a certain thing, almost immediately, the loss of another visits me.

It’s been a year! But if anything, I’ve been wining and getting accolades in the things I give myself to and I’ve succeeded in almost everything I’ve committed to- but it’s a 30%, so I am stuck between gratitude and the need to progress. And I hate that my soul never settles itself enough to process certain things. 

Oh, I’ve lost and I’ve sat with God, I’ve won and I’ve visited Gethsemane a bit too much. What do I do when I am positioning myself to progress in the middle of a win that almost doesn’t feel enough because there’s more to be done while dealing with the loss of something that mattered? Explain it to me because it’s felt like the first half of 2025 has been like that for me.

Oh and how I have craved for an excitement that goes beyond my regular, how I also fear that the time to fulfill it might just not be now. The danger of desiring - because I am stuck in between what if it never happens and I would rather it happen once and it’s perfect - than longer and it’s ruined.

Despite it all, I am grateful for this season! For those I’ve served and those that have served me and with me. For breath and for laughter and for tears, for health - mostly, for some times - sound mind - because some times, my mind isn’t put together. I am grateful for those who’ve laid down their lives to follow the cause in with I strongly believe, those who show up even at their inconvenience - I do not take pride in disorienting their journey- but I do feel worthy to be worth such a sacrifice. Who am I that even in my lowest, you’d journey with me? 

I am grateful for those who allow me serve them, those who consult me, who require my knowledge - because you all pull me out when I think I am not enough and I’d rather empty myself in that manner.

For those who’ve stayed with me, allowed me lean on them and to bare myself. For those who understand that even I have to be on the battle field and they bring their armors to fight with me. Those who love me regardless and give themselves in ways I cannot measure. 

For those who dare to allow me tell my dreams, I cannot thank you enough. Because you bring into reality- through your validation-      my new dreams and passion. In this season, I’ve leaned on you, tough fights we’ve had, heavy tears I’ve cried, drew strength from you. I cannot be fit to - if it weren’t for you. I am grateful mostly in this season for my purpose partner - Lola. It’s delightful and I say it pridefully, that I make it through because it’s with you. Thank you. 

I am grateful for every room walked into! Every thing, even the things that were lessons - how I hated them, but I cannot erase them. For they have worked out for my good. It hurts, but that’s okay. Oh, broke me. But to God be the glory. 

Dear God, you do slay me, a bit too much but I trust you. Fights we’ve had and malice I have kept with you, tiring and painful but my faith is in you. In awareness that nothing separates me from your love and if it was still “just me on earth”, you’d still send your son who I am joint heirs with - to give his life for me. 

To the second half of 2025! 

To better 🥂

Olu Ajoba