PURPOSE PRESERVES

 It’s been a week since I passed out on set while filming. For the first time in 4 years since I started the foundation, I sent out representatives to a community without being there in person. For the first time in a long while, I was put on powerful sleep pills that made me close to dunce. For the first time in my life, I needed help to walk long distance, to take strolls and it’s funny to me. 

I was forced to know the price of EEG tests, brain test and all -freaking pricey I must say. That’s the craziest thing. For the past 6 weeks, I visited the hospital and my doctor had said “chronic stress, low blood pressure, fluctuating estrogen” and some assessments. It wasn’t exciting to discover what those “assessments” were.  I fell but my life didn’t flash before my eyes like I would have expected. I fell on set, right in front of strangers that I had never met. And I was rushed to LUTH and hated again, the medical system and I couldn’t wait until morning to get to our family hospital, I couldn’t wait to see Doctor Sho. 

“My assessment is Atypical Seizure”, he said to me. Oh, I hate it here, I whispered under my breath. As I began reading on my assessment, I realized that I’ve subjected my brain to heavy pressure over the years, barely sleeping, mostly thinking, really resting. And until my Spiritual Mother showed up this evening, I wanted so badly to continue hating it here. Reading on my assessment and I realized that in the past years, I’ve dealt with trauma, I’ve starred into the blank for few seconds in most time, lost myself in thoughts, worked to escape life. 

I hate it here because my passing out was from trauma, because for the first time in 8 years, I saw one of my abusers a day before going on set and like an epileptic patient, my brain caught so many lights from the set, with the lack of rest and I fell off. And I recall Lola asking when she was called upon, if falling was a part of the script. It was comical. 

I fell off, and for days, I laid in bed. Calvary didn’t come. But I wasn’t going to die. I knew it because it’s just so much to do. When Coach Suoton showed up today, and she said “you want to talk now”? I said yes. 

She said to me “I do not invalidate your feelings, I never will and I am dealing with my crosses, heavy ones as you know”, and “those cousellings that I allowed you take, I shouldn’t have put you up for them, without us dealing with this, all of it, why didn’t you tell me”, she asked again.

In my head, I had thought that I put those behind me, all of those, and I could live fine or maybe this was denial. I could pretend like my hands haven’t been shaking for years, like my panic attacks don’t make me crawl up in bed, like nightmares wasn’t the reasons I wouldn’t sleep at night, like there wasn’t a day Koji sent me the longest voice message ever asking me to keep faith even before I met her in person. Like I didn’t spend years and months after months calling Solomon to tell him that my feet wouldn’t stand anymore, that my heart couldn’t continue. Like I wasn’t raped 2 different times by different people and was molested by an uncle. I could say that I had put it behind me. But I hadn’t. I hadn’t put behind lovers not staying because I wouldn’t get past my own pains. 

For the first time in a long while, I wasn’t the Founder of Echoes Foundation, I wasn’t a counsellor, or a website manager, I wasn’t even anything expect the girl who just didn’t know anymore what was and what was to be. And not knowing? Is the darnest thing. I don’t know if I hate myself for it. Purpose preserves is such a funny title to pick, but I settle with Lola and Coach’s idea, and it’s okay. 

Tomorrow, I would start again. And I cannot tell what I’d do differently. Run by getting another degree, call Quinn and let him tell me I’d be fine, soak myself into Lola’s arms, died at the feet of Christ, wake up again for my girls and for the foundation, or get mad at my parents for not watching over me enough, watch a movie, write a book, text Sammie, draft a script, or let the sleep pills do it thing. Or just stay and stare until life makes sense again and I start all over.