BEING TOO CAREFUL

 

Life hasn't been the same.

feels like I am walking on shells

every single day.

I hate you for leaving,

I dislike your guts for putting

me through this hell.

I told you not to make 

me any promises.

I didn't stutter when I said that to you.

I hate that you put me through the

pain of recovering from you everyday.

I didn't want to trust you,

I didn't want to give myself up.

Heck, you made me love you,

then you left like it was my flaws

that cut us off.

You didn't explain to me,

A little closure wouldn't have hurt.

But you left me with those silly words.

It is me, not you.

Why didn't you say that to me the first month?

And weeks after that?

You watched me fall in love.

Put my trust.

Wrote you an entire PDF of how I hurt.

You allowed me kiss you so deeply,

bury myself in the thoughts that 

this could work.

Spent weeks fighting for us.

Thinking it was worth the effort.

Now, I am walking on shells,

Catching myself around you,

Wondering how could you.

Trying so hard to forgive you.

Staying away from hating myself 

for allowing you.

Half of my dreams I shared with you,

Really thought we'd bounce from anything.

Told you I was scared of cycles.

You went like you were going straight,

put me right in another,

my life isn't the same.

I don't know if it's been shame or fear,

but I have been living each day with 

super heavy regrets.

Scared of laughing too hard 

after meeting someone else.

I catch myself saying give it time.

you will be over that event.

I am not over it, 

just like everything else.

Singing myself lullaby just to put me in bed.

Deleting every images, every emails sent.

Worse, I don't believe in someone else.

And I can't even try.

I am being way too careful.

I hate the idea of life.

How what made sense might be vanity.

How that which you could give yourself to

might be damaging.

How forgiveness is better said than done,

How I could go on and on,

but when it is all said and done,

the damage has been done.