NOT SO EASY

 

For you, you don’t have scars 

You move past life so easily.

I like that about you.

I am proud that you don’t allow your past hold you down - if any.

That you hurry through life and pains don’t count.

For me, it’s different.

And being different has its effect.

Like I worry when you don’t return my calls, because I spent the part of my life with someone who would watch his device ring rather than pick up just because I was the one.

I tried to pretend like I am okay with how you move but it’s not so okay. 

I don’t like silence because the last time someone when quiet on me, he was talking with someone else.

I don’t like guesses, it keeps me far from reality.

It’s not so easy to accept that somethings are part of life because the last time I believed a person and accepted these things were part of life, I lost myself.

So I don’t like when my messages are left on “read”,

I don’t adore when you suddenly stop to kiss my forehead.

I don’t like when you run out of stares for me.

When you no longer want to hold my hand in public.

To you, you are tired from work and it skipped your mind some seconds before you recall again.

To me, you stopped loving me that hour. It’s not so easy to accept your way. 

Because the last time I accepted this way, it threw my heart away.

I have to fault your emotions for me because now it’s hard to believe I could be loved for being me.

And when you act in your fullness, I look forward to when your emotions would fade off and it would just be me left.

And I have fear in my heart when you miss out on the way we started. 

When you call lesser or you are no longer there because again, it’s a trigger for when the other person left.

These little acts broke my innocence.

Now it’s not so easy for me to talk to someone new, to trust myself with you.

To believe some love is true. 

And if anything, I’d rather you leave than mess things up with you and leave my insecurities with you.

And I promise I wish it were easy for me to leave behind the little acts that broke me. 

But even the purest intentions hurts me and makes me question all life’s form.

Again, I assure you it’s not so easy and it’s an entirely different pain to live this way.