To You, Kanmi

 I really wish you were here.

Another day has passed, and I’ve had to make another crazy decision.

I know that if time were still as old as they used to be.

You would be seated beside me, and we would laugh about this.

But there isn’t you to laugh with.

There isn’t you to cry with either.

There’s just me in this big space and I have been wondering so much.

You know, kanmi, how it gets and how I can be.

I am being that way again. I really wish you were here. It’s super heavy on me, baby. It is really heavy for me.

We had ages to go. And I woke up to find out you had gone first. It wasn’t very fair what you decided to do, but it’s okay.

Or that’s what I like to say.

There are moments of you in my head. Memories that we shared, and I started to work on those crazy ideas.

That’s what you would have wanted.

You know, Kanmi, even though you say I am strong enough to handle all of these, I don’t know anymore.

I don’t want to forget our jokes.

Because they have a strong way of making me remember you.

And it’s not okay to remember you again.

Or that’s Toni says

You would have wanted for me to move on.

But I can’t replace you, Kanmi.

Contrary to what you said on that bed, I can’t find anyone like you.

I have been trying to make a wish for you to come back. Even though I know you lied that my wish could come to pass.

You said it because you didn’t want me to feel bad. I forgive you.

Toni came by the house, she moved your pictures from the living room, she repainted the walls.

And she took your favorite shoes, she said I look at them and laugh too much.

I don’t know if she is right or wrong.

Kanmi, it’s been two years.

I kept the shirt from the day you first used my perfume.

Toni doesn’t know, she would have said I am still obsessed with you.

Kanmi, I didn’t have babies by you.

You said we would make mini us even though I didn’t want to.

But I looked forward to it

To permanently carry a part of you.

That didn’t have grieve or wounds

It wasn’t okay for you to pass, Kanmi.

You lied that we would have forever with one another.

You didn’t wait.

Those kitchen cabinets would go to waste.

Midnight comes and no one holds my waist.

Time and time again, I wake up to pray and I ask God to let me see you and He is saying it’s time to move on but I don’t want to.

I can’t move Kanmi.

Tell me, are you stuck in Heaven too?

Did you hear me crying last night by quarter past two? I held your shirts closely to my chest and I wept because I was upset.

It’s unfair, Kanmi.

I’ve written 905 pages in 6 jotters about

the things we used to do and the life we promised each other.

And it’s tiring every-time I look over

One life Kanmi and we were supposed to do it together.

I don’t know what to say

Toni is on her way.

I would move from the house today.

Toni got me new things, so I don’t smell you on my dresses or remember your smile from my glasses.

She doesn’t know I carry you in my heart and regardless of where I move to, I have you around.

Toni is a good person.

I forget she is your younger sister sometimes.

She told me that it’s time for me to try to get pass what we had.

She has forgiven you for not waiting for her.

I am not upset, Kanmi.

But I cannot move how Toni moved.

My heart is very much stuck with you.

I am moving today.

Maybe that’s a step

Is that okay Kanmi?

Do you want me to?

Say something Kanmi

(Knock knock)

Toni is here to ask me to leave a part of you.