Twice

 Sometimes, we get broken. 

Other times, we are crushed.

I was both and I knew. 

3 nights ago, I took my bags and 

I went to another town. 

I wasn’t just looking for love or life.

I was going to get answers. 

I can hear the voice of my lover.

“Babe, we can fix this, trust me”.

It wasn’t because I didn’t trust him.

I wasn’t leaving because I lost my trust in him.

 I was going because I didn’t have any in myself. 

I can’t stay with you. I can’t 

I told him as I picked up my luggage.

It felt like baggages. They were baggages.

How do I tell him that I still cry in the restroom? 

Maybe he knows. 

But I couldn’t keep saying I wasn’t healed.

27 years has passed since I was forcefully raped. Maybe I didn’t take my time. 

I was living in denial. 

I was hoping my grief would pass. 

When I married him, I was happy. 

But my heart has broken pieces I never took time to put together. 

So, I would cry until my life looks like it’s coming together. 

And I would hold him until I fall asleep. 

But I wanted to know what life was without the tears and panics. 

I wanted to know what it would feel like if I wasn’t sacred he’d leave and l’d be more broken. 

I don’t know if I wanted him to be there when I get back. 

But I knew everyday that went by, I had questions that I never took time to find answers to. 

And as I arrived in this town, 

I crashed on the floor and cried my eyes out. 

Why did it take so long? 

I said almost ripping myself apart.

Why? 

I knew that I had my bones out, 

I kept using my lover’s flesh to cover up. 

And as I wept, I remembered the night I

Was violated. 

In my head, it’s been 17 years since I visited the full memory. 

I’ve been running.

I was broken 

I was crushed. 

I never took at time to get answers. 

I was running because I couldn’t face it. 

I don’t know how long it would take out here. I hope my lovers knows I am sorry. 

I just get tired of twice the pain. 

I will come home but I don’t know when. 

When I do, I will be whole. 

Then we can have a night without tears.