I can’t

 I want to write you a love letter, but I can’t.

I want to tell you I miss you, but I can’t.

I want to spend time with you. 

To tell you the story of my childhood. 

But I can’t. 

I have forgotten how

I can’t look you in the eyes or dare to love you, because my heart has scars and it keeps telling me not to. 

Not to love you. 

Not to trust you. 

Not to try to hold you close. 

My heart says to never tell you how I feel.

To never dare to change your name on my phone. 

My heart keeps saying let it go. 

I can’t, I can’t just ignore. 

Maybe my heart knows you are not mine. 

Perhaps, it can no longer handle the pains of time and past. 

I think my heart knows emotions are lies. 

Isn’t that what you said the other night.

My heart can’t love you. 

It can’t dare to hold you. 

It wouldn’t dare call you mine. 

My heart just comes and goes. 

My heart can’t look you in the face. 

My heart can’t give itself to you. 

My heart can’t call you its own.

My heart keeps stopping me every time I reach for a kiss. 

My heart knows how I feel for you, it keeps telling me it’s a dream. 

My heart can’t forgive itself for every piece it gave. 

My heart is bleeding. 

My heart can’t love “just a friend”. 

My heart is tired of giving. 

My heart can’t give you what I desire. 

It keeps looking back in time, it wouldn’t change a thing until you try. 

My heart has had the hardest of time. 

Now it’s putting a fight. 

It can’t give itself up just like time. 

My heart is picking pieces from several places, my heart is looking back in time and regretting. 

Now, my heart just can’t. 

It can’t love you until you love it. 

It can’t want you until you want it. 

My heart has learnt the hard way. 

Just yesterday, my heart said “I am doing this for us”, don’t be upset. 

And I understood because 365 days ago, I cried because my heart was broken. 

My heart knows. Now, it has a lock. 

I’ve been trying, but I can’t. 

I can’t love you how I used to love. 

I can’t give my heart. 

Before I take a step, I need you to watch you take five. 

I won’t betray you, my heart doesn’t mess around. 

It just wants to see before it trusts. 

Unlike my head, my heart doesn’t jump. 

If you pull a step back, my heart runs.

It’s been hurt. 

It no longer can. 

I don’t know if to apologize. 

But I can’t give all the things I planned

My heart won’t let me. 

But I guess it’s fine.

Because the heart knows what it wants.