Across

 It was 3:41am when I woke up. 

I couldn’t help the dream I had, 

So, I murmured words of prayer

I didn’t want to tear apart. 

I looked at the mirror next to my bed, 

But I could barely see a thing.

It would have been creepy if I could, 

Because heck, the room was dark 

And cold, and my emotions had no 

Hold. 

 As I stood to still on my bed, 

Thoughts ran across my head.

Never agree to go bed, you

Should have had that turkey. 

You should trust God.

You can’t keep running. 

You will heal. 

You should rest till real morning. 

But I was done with thoughts and 

Voices. I was in denial of many things. 

It’s been 6,941 days since I was first 

Raped, I was naive and had no shape. 

Who pins down a child to have their way? 

I used to say this too would pass, but 

It hasn’t gone away. 

And everything that happened after that 

Never stops to make my heart ache.

I have to be honest. 

Whenever I am across from you. 

Or even my lover or whoever, 

I am thinking why me? 

Will the scars go away. 

But it comes again, 

The thoughts of the fact that it 

Wasn’t just one rape. 

But I was protected in the eyes 

of those who gave me a name. 

But years have passed. 

Pain knows my name. 

And when I look into my lover’s 

Eyes, terrible triggers come again.

90 days ago, I forgave me guardians, 

I couldn’t continue to blame the for 

The harm life brought my way. 

Even though my pain still lingers, 

And oh, somedays I am in denial. 

I think I am getting better. 

One time, I was holding it together.

I started to realize that time wasn’t a

Doctor, so it wouldn’t heal. 

And I found even physicians can’t 

Stitch the injury of the past. 

So, I ran to Christ. 

And I studied this course that has 

Some answers. 

I think time is starting to tell, but 

Somedays, times closes its mouth. 

So, I feel how I felt last night. 

Violated and ripped. 

Broken but not from ribs. 

Grieve and torture. 

Pains that never go. 

Usually, I’d laugh so hard and

Forget all that tears me apart. 

Or I’d lay on my bed, clinging 

Tightly to my duvet, crying the

Heck out of my eyes. 

Last night, I went to bed heavy. 

In return, I got heavy dreams. 

In my course, I’d say it’s effect of

What was caused. I was right to

Have studied the course.

Yet, I will always sit across, 

Waiting for when it’s over for 

When I would be undone. 

 I think it’s a lie that we forget.

Yes, we forgive. 

I could go on and on.

But, I wanted you to see, 

What I…… 

Let’s just sit with our hands crossed.