My letter to Abba

 A long time after denial).

I’ve been wondering 

how long it takes to heal. 

Every time that I look in the mirror, 

I cry at the sight of my reflection, 

I am scarred. Heavily scarred.

And I’ve been in denial, because 

I don’t know the right words to say 

To myself. 

Sorry? Move on? Forgive? 

Take your time? Fight? 

The world made it sound so easy. 

The world still makes it look easy. 

So, when I am alone. 

I am shedding every tears because 

Of my broken soul. 

I don’t want my scars to use my heart 

As a home. 

But the pains just won’t go. 

How would I forgive the rape at 4?

I want to move on from 

the molestation at 7?

I want to forget that for three years 

From when I was 9 till I turned 11, 

I was abused and raped every night 

Till I could hear my soul saying farewell.

And where I come from, we never talk about it. 

So everyday, I am waiting to heal. 

I am trying to decide if it’s okay to 

continue the will to fight for 

Others of my kind. 

And I was growing so well, I didn’t know better. 

Somewhere along the line, I messed it up

And I had about 4 heartbreak before God

Said enough. 

And he began chasing me down, but I always would run. 

Because oh, look at this mess you want to use to rebuild a broken people. 

God, no, where I come from, broken bones and dead bodies don’t come alive. 

Look, I’d be 2 decades and 2 years in few months and I can’t even sleep with taking drugs. 

Even the drugs don’t work.

And every night, I cry because it’s not adding up. 

Help me let it make sense. 

I am ripped, but I am in denial. 

I can’t face all of these, I am sorry.

God, when you say have Strength & Courage. 

I think you were referring to me. 

Did I tell you it’s been 8 months since 

I started the foundation, I don’t think

I have healed a soul. 

I want to come home, let the angels sing. 

But you know this purpose thing says to hold on a bit. 

And I’ve really been struggling with it.

And all of my friends are amazing 

Sometimes, we pray, sometimes we eat. 

Other times, we talk about each other’s broken soul.

This world really can’t be our home.

There’s too much going on. 

I still have so much to say.

But the doctor says to try not to cry again

They say I’ve been putting too much stress on my brain.

And I need to sleep more often. 

So, I am usually just running from thoughts. 

I don’t know where to start from 

Please, help me. 

I am reading this devotional, 

Anxious for nothing. 

I want the peace that’s not of this world. 

Oh Dear God, I am sorry. 

I don’t know what for, 

But I am. 

I am not out of words. 

I just don’t want to stress my brain. 

With Love, From the one whose failure 

You chased down. 

Olu-Ajoba. 

Dear God, John 16:33 is Perfect 💕