The one I used to love.

To the one I used to love.
Dear person, I hope this gets to you.
I am tired of the guilt I feel whenever I explain your inability to the world.
I am validating your lack of action.

I no longer want to do this.
To love you and let you hurt me.
There is no need to pretend, you don’t know how to keep me.
And I have tried to maintain you.

I am ashamed of the way I fought for you.
Knowing fully well that no one should love a man that doesn’t know what he wants.
Yet, I crossed line and boundaries with you.
Laying down my heart for you.

I have been a fool. I am ashamed of my moves.
Dear person, I’d rather be alone.
I have shared my sincerity with you.
Yet you question my honesty.
Because to you, this type of love is an abomination.
This love I have denied the rest of the world of.

Dear person, I am moving on.
I can no longer explain this to myself or the world.
4 years ago, I would have stayed.
I would have helped you in finding your way.

Today, lots of things has changed.
Including my ability to live in pains.
I hope you understand.

*****

You make me scared.

Scared of a lot.

Scared of stealing glances at your image.

Scared.

My heart beats heavily every-time i think about you, loving you makes me look like a fool.

I ask myself if really, I have to fall in love with you, yet I can’t help but do.

When I steal glances at your image, my world falls into two. One with you and the other without you, it leaves me in shrinking, turning me into no good.

I have always fancied being strong, telling myself that I am more than enough. Slowly, I am forgetting how to love, but it’s perfect because love to you doesn’t mean so much.

It’s getting dark again, getting closer to that season when I no longer see a thing. 

I was hoping you’d hold me, but not commit a sin. 

I want our spirits intertwining like I have always desired, submitting my fears and allowing you quench my fire.

But I have been rigid for so long. When I listen to your words, I grin. I no longer can love, I just dream. 

But to me, you mean the world.

I don’t think you see it.

I used to look forward to a lot, but I don’t anymore.

And when you finally see this, there would be no love in me.

I am scared.

But,

I love your smile.

And I can't decide.

Yours truly, Lulu.