Strong woman

As I walked into you, I soaked myself in your cologne. I hugged you deeply, I almost choked on the scent of your deodorant; only because I was done. I had left you a letter by the dinning room table, I was done, I was moving.

 See you in a short while, you whispered into my ears, and my desire to spend the rest of my life with you rose.

Bye babe, I replied. Hoping that good-byes were not real. I knew you'd antagonize, i knew you wanted this.

Never say bye, I hate good byes, you responded, you sent me in tears inside of my heart. Yes babe, I'd see you around. I had to say the words that satisfied your urges.

As i slammed the door, I read the letter in my head.

Baby, it's been the most amazing months with you, I want to do this again, run through the mountains, sail the seas, make you happy, but I have to leave.

At that point, tears left my eyes and rolled on the paper, but I continued.

I haven't loved in a long while, I have been my own woman, I have lied to you baby, Everytime I said I was alright.

I didn't know the best way to tell you, that I am strong on my own, and i find it hard to need you, not because I don't love you, I think I have become immune to vulnerability.

Saying that I desire you isn't enough, concealing my imperfections seems too much.  I can't do this, I can't open up, I can't tell you of my failures, my fears or my storm.

But I like the way you cheer me, yet baby, it's not the same because I haven't allowed you to know me. 

At this time, my heart beat grew. I knew my anxiety attack would still resume. I had to start closing, because i was learning not to cry when I am broken on the inside. I am a strong woman.

Baby, i am sorry.

My whole life, I have been rejected, so I had to learn to accept myself. I had to carry my cross, yes, it was heavy, but no one would help lift it. So, it was just myself, now i am used to me.

I left your best meal in the kitchen, I put out our best wine, here is our most goofy picture, I am hoping you will cheers to old times. 

I love the way you loved me.

But I am too strong a woman to stay, to open my bruises and let your love heal me.

I am too strong to remember my past.

Mother once said I am letting it define me.

But, i am strong woman, and this how i best know how to live.

As i stepped into the car, I remembered how i had dropped the pen, wiped my eyes with the back of my palms, sniffed multiple times.

I recall how I stood up and used some baby oil on my face, how I stood in front of the mirror to say I am strong again.

I am a strong woman, I don't know how to change. 

I am a strong woman, I am used to pains.