I HAVE CARRIED YOU

 

Since you left, I’ve been pouring out 

two cups of wine like you are still here. 

One cup for me, the other ought to be for you, but I end having up both cups while I am occupied with the thoughts of you.

I’ve carried you for the most part of my life, 

The guilt of you, the idea of you, part of the reality I lived with you. Oh, I’ve carried you.

Some days I am over you,

Some days, I am not

I used to be so mad, but I just very hurt.

I am accepting what is left of us.

If ever there was a us.

I’ve paused my dreams way too often for you, killed my emotions when I so wanted to be loud. 

I’ve written about you, sang to 

song that reminds me of you. 

But I still don’t run out of what to 

do with your memories.

I’ve sworn and made promises to myself 

That I won’t think of you anymore 

That I wouldn’t remember anything 

we had before. 

That I wouldn’t make excuses 

for your absence. 

But I can’t. 

Every time I love somebody else, I love you less, but I think of you often; like you were the best. 

And when it’s all over, I think of you first.

I am a mess and I hate it for myself because 

I know if you had the chance you would 

hurt me again.

Because I wrote 7 poems for you 

and watched you read them all. 

Yet you broke me in the same 

ways I’ve written of. 

325 poems on my blog, 

25 of them tells the story of 

what happened with us.

If you wanted to, you would. 

You know how to do right by me.

I gave to the manual for free.

Hoping you’d love me like this, 

Hoping you would love me for me. 

But over and over, you break my rules.

And in turn break the pieces of me 

that I am picking from you. 

I am carrying you.

Yet I am aware 

You are not what love is 

Maybe once upon a time, you were.

But not anymore. 

I am tired of wishing we never met. 

Of praying that our memories hurt less. 

Of passing other routes so I don’t see places we’ve visited or the place we met.

Moved cities, moved houses, 

But you are always there.

If it’s not a mutual friend,

It’s your cousin’s girl. 

You are everywhere 

If it’s not the words you said. 

It’s some jokes you told.

I am carrying you.

It’s too heavy a load to carry 

I go to bed programming myself to think never happened, just so I could cry less.

But I wake up and it’s still there. 

You are too heavy a load

I can’t pretend.

I told you not to live without me 

Because I knew I couldn’t live without you.

Now, I am okay with letting you get away with what you stole from me.

But now that I am wrapping my head around 

how to get it back and start over, I would appreciate if you don’t come back 

to my door to remind me of what was lost. 

You were here and 

you no longer were.

There’s nothing that I’ve done more 

in the past few days than convinced 

myself that it’s all over.

I’ve carried you, your residues.

But I cannot continue to pause my dreams for you, to stop my emotions 

with the thoughts of you.

I can and should no longer carry.