LIFE & DEATH: THE CONCEPT OF NEVER AGAIN

They say we only live once, but my life has had two beginnings: the day I was born, and the day I met you.

The day I met you, everything new came into focus, somehow, every other thing didn’t stop to matter, you just mattered more.

There was light without getting to the end of the tunnel, laughter in every moment, my fingers could tell, my heart knew. My eyes conformed to this reality, my body knew and the fluids approved of it. 

When I met you, I lived again. You were visible in my choices; the sanity in my chaos, the physicality of understanding, in you, I had moments and memories. I understood unison. 

I don’t invalidate the phrase “you only live once”! Because I did live my life in you.  I lived what I was in you. With you, I wasn’t excluded of my self and I experienced the pleasure of all feelings felt. 

Whether it was grief, joy, sorrow, happiness; it was with you and it felt well!

With you, I understood loss. I understood death and pain and grief. I knew what it was to live a life and I can tell you how it is to no longer live it. 

Having lived two lives in one, I learned against my will “the idea of loss and hurt”! Losing a life you would never find again. 

How can you manage? How do you put to death a person that’s everything that in their lowest, they still appeal to your person. How do you deal with the factor of “never again”! Never again can I hold you, can I love you, can I feel this way, can I see you.

The Concept Of Never Again!

Never again can I trust myself to hold on to you or something similar. Oh, grief is heavy. Because tell me why I am thinking I’ve moved on and in my highest, it shows up. I do not desire to talk of in my lowest. 

I sit often times and I ask myself. Was there something I could have done to have it differently.

I delight myself in saying, we lose some and we win some. Too strong a regret, too heavy a grief, too burdened a memory.

It Amazes Me. 

How you could live a life so good when it’s existing, when it’s no longer there, it brings you to your knees and crumble at the things that could have been different.

I’ve been writing for years, words can’t fit it. I wish I had heart that didn’t care, a heart that doesn’t think too much of things; things like this. 

So, I am writing, hoping that one day it would fade, as I deal with the reality of not knowing when that day would be.

I lived my life in you. 

The only thing I didn’t live, 

because I couldn’t live it. 

There was no way to. 

I couldn’t live was the reality of death in you;

the one that takes away all the things ever knew. 

It’s too heavy to reality to live alongside life.