Triggers and Trauma

Years and I haven’t gotten over it.

The scars you left and the signs that can’t ever leave.

You played me real good and you scarred me silly.

You took a lot from me, my sanity inclusive.

Now I carry trauma and I am triggered way too much.

Chasing people off with my response.

Guarding my heart way too much. 

Not believing in anything called love.

You shook my feet too strongly.

It’s not fair on me that I don’t believe in anything that looks like you, that looks like love, that looks like truth. 

Now, I am shutting my phone, ghosting on peeps, saying 700 things to blind myself from reality. 

My heart fears that he would act like you did.

Leave like you left; no decency, no explanation.

Countless cheats, emptiness and emotions that you watched fade off but never mentioned.

Your patterns scarred me way too much. 

Now I can’t text for long, or make jokes without revisiting my words. 

Shutting my phone before he talks,  because what if the words are lies like yours? 

When he tried to hold me, I remember your hands around me.

Heck, you wrapped into me, yet you broke me dirty.

And how you made me laugh, but killed me slowly. 

Those tiny words that I thought were errors, you meant them. 

Like - oh, you can go.

I am busy. 

You were a silly, broken lover.

I foolishly covered for your scars.

You broke me over and over. 

Worse, you tore me apart. 

My heart can’t find its way back.

I am filled with triggers and trauma. 

And I am not living life normal. 

You could have loved us better.

I am not sure who to fault, 

Who to blame. 

But I am torn and the traumas I had from you makes my triggers too much of a pain.