Too Heavy A Grief

 I never met father until I turned 15

2 years later, he went into the ground beneath.

It was the shortest happy thing.

I begged him to stay with me,

His body didn’t agree.

I think his soul wanted to because it still smiles at me.

I am not sure what happened between him and mother but I hate what it did with me.

It’s not like I hate father or mother, but I hate what life gave to me.

I didn’t have a home.

I could tell from mothers face the grudges she hold.

And it feels like father was never whole.

And my own life, that broke.

Sometimes I sit across the mirror, 

Grateful for mother and asking if father around would make it better.

I didn’t have a family.

And when I managed to, death made it incomplete

Now I am seated here 

In my crazy fear and heavy grieve 

Knowing fully well that life is such a b***ch. 

That I didn’t deserve any of these.

That parents mistakes don’t have to spill.

But I am unsure where to start or end.

I am just holding the hurt in my chest.

I can’t say what broken in me,

But I hope in the end.

God does a huge work in me.