FINDING A GOD MAN

 

I played a game and I played dirty 

Picked you from amongst men to do dating 

And I realized it goes beyond kissing 

It was your imperfections 

Your spiritual knitting 

If you could make decisions for us.

Whether or not, I could identify your person 

and make peace with our differences.

I realized I had to know the characteristics beyond the natural.

It wasn't about the way you walk or the length of your height.

It was about if you would bloom me or bury me.

And even though you appeal to me physically, 

there were other things that were hidden. 

Things about you that needed to see the light, 

things beyond your eyes.

I thought God was unfair for asking me to skip you and look beyond the line.

And I was upset at my mentor for saying what we share might be for a night.

But I took a closer look at you and realized there was no lie.

Even though I love you, 

you have a carnal mind and cannot lead me to my promise land.

But it is very difficult to let go of your type of man, 

because you are close to perfect and very kind.

But beyond all of these, I do not see you holding my hands.

I do not see you understanding my journey or leading me right.

For you, it's different the type of life you desire.

For me, I am bound by a journey called purpose

 and I have to lay my life down for others. 

You do not see this, and it makes me realize it would be difficult to share my life with you.

Even though I am appealed by all the things you do like calling and texting and asking me to do date nights with you.

I am beginning to realize it is more than that for me.

I need me a man that can help me kneel, help 

Help me understand seasons and journey with me. 

Through the thick and thin, through the battle life brings.

Someone who understands the sacrifices God requires of me.

And I cannot deny that what we shared would require an agreement.

That I have expectations of you, I will also need to do right by you.

Sadly, our definition of 'right' might not align.

But I am bought by this paparazzi of your kindness, sweetness, intentionality.

The charming way you look at me, the way you do love with no fights.

How you put us first, it is appealing. 

But it isn't everything I need.

I realized that I blessed the day I met you and I grew a desperation to do

the adventures of life with you.

Now, it is transparent that you have no idea or  an insight into your path.

And I have no idea what journey you need me to aid.

When I look at our images, we look great.

I like coming into your arms, hugging you and telling you everything with 

trust from my heart.

Holding you when I am tired until I feel better

I hate to admit that all you've seen 

and embraced is my surface, not my depth.

And I am hurting realizing a person could be all you want,

but not what you need.

And I tried to have this talk, but you discarded me.

Saying we are fine, and I am over thinking things.

Even though it seems to you like not necessary, to me, it is a major priority.

To be able to love you, understand your design.

But beyond natural eyes, to know your spiritual fight.

And to fill in gaps, but you don't know what the gap is

And it would be hard for me to fill the space you don't identify.

Partnership would mean laying down our lives,

but the type of life I would give isn't the type you know or would give.

Your Spiritual Knitting is not on my frequency.

You lag behind and I am running out of time in convincing 

and waiting for you to catch up with me.

There are higher chances of us happening if you know the Names of Angel

And can call God in a name more than His Majesty.

Even though I like to say I am prepared to fight by myself

I need to understand that if I would lay on your chest at night,

You need to choose this design with me, fight this battle with me.

Touch this equation with me.

Even though I am recognized for my strength and capacity,

I realized the pressure is heavy enough and 

I don't want you to be another one on me.

I see myself holding countless meeting, 

changing the faulted narratives of the world.

Breaking the damaging authorities that is trying to take over the will of God

in the lives of those He has called.

Then I see you being an indifferent person. 

Taking what life brings, doing little to fight or change anything.

And I understand that you are satisfied with that,

I am not asking you to be like me. 

I just need you to guard me as I guard the post  

knowing that you are a part of my post 

And I have asked myself why I cannot shut my eyes

And pretend this imperfection doesn't exist,

But I've realized if the enemy can't reach me in other ways,

You will be the first available vessel. 

You are too open and moveable.

You can be my undoing in this war.

It is a different equation for me.

What I want and what I need doesn't fit.

Three weeks have passed since I realized this, and I am still

hoping that i find the strength to leave, oh, I dare not stay because I understand what is at risk.

It is hard for me to retrace my steps, to unlove you, 

to forgive myself for my sight.

It is difficult for me to stop asking God why He brought you my way,

I know that I have tried to ignore, to discard you.

But when you end your text with 'I got you', I am reminded of the bond

I share with you. 

3 weeks, I have cried myself to sleep most of the night, 

blamed my spiritual eyes for the flaws of my heart.

3 weeks, I have read your messages, back-to-back. 

Smiling and crying, zooming on your images.

Asking God to allow you be the One. 

He keeps saying He has a special one. 

I don’t know if he would smile like you do, text like you do. 

But I never want to compare anyone with you.  

And I am still thinking of how to let this heal. 

I am sorry that I have texted lesser, pretended like I didn’t like when you made dinner.  

And I have no idea what to close off with, but my heart is bleeding as I write all of these