Healing - Oye

 

You could judge me, but I’ve judge myself. 

Mostly for my foolishness and staying when my emotions weren’t felt.

 It took a while for me to understand that you could love a person who might not love you back. 

It was scary for me to imagine being a fit for you. 

Just to wake up and realize it was different for you. 

I don’t know if to apologize for how sincere I was with you 

Or to hate myself for my transparency. 

I don’t know if I was selfish to not have thought of you to the extreme. 

I don’t know if to be sorry or move on, but I am figuring it out.  

It was very hard for me to come to terms with what it really was. 

That I was just a friend to you.

When I wanted for you to be my lover. 

I figured I’d never understand how life works, so I thought to write to you, so I could share with you what I thought we were until the light came and I had to face the worse of emotions and deepest fear. 

 Dear Oye, 

I think we all struggle with acceptance and sometimes we battle reality. 

When I met you, a part of me believed it was time to spend my life with you.

I had considered you the best and I showed up the best way I could. 

I couldn’t control my emotions and I got invested. 

I take responsibility for it. 

More than ever, I should have paid attention and read the signs. 

The way you never returned the calls. 

Our chats that never were finished. 

I hate myself for giving so much. 

I wasn’t trying to buy you, it is just how my heart works.

It was really interested in you, so it put in all the work. 

The energy wasn’t the same. 

But I held it up for as long as I could.

Because I couldn’t face the fact that you couldn’t love me. 

The way I wanted you to.

I was thinking you weren’t ready, I was waiting for time to tell. 

I kept making excuses for you with my friends

 when they asked why I haven’t left. 

I couldn’t face it that our pages were different. 

You admit that it was foolish, but I really wanted to be loved by you. 

 It was so pure for me. I wasn’t ready to face the burn of rejection. 

Perhaps, I was stuck with my fantasy. 

I’d like to say I  am sorry - I take full responsibility for it. 

I am sorry that I tried and this isn’t to guilt trip. 

I have sent the emotions to death. So this is my sanity writing to you. 

I am sorry that I did everything love would. 

I am sorry I didn’t read your input. 

I am sorry if it was choking for you. 

Forgive  me, I never meant to. 

I am moving on. And some nights, I still grieve. 

But it is what it is. 

The outcome for this was co determined. 

I used to read the emails I sent, those ones you never responded to. 

I used to check the images from the day that you cooked.

I deleted everything, I put to death all reminders of you. 

And for weeks, I cried by the stairs. 

For days, I wished it wasn’t the end. 

 But what are those desires if they are not shared. 

I am excited to know you’ve found happiness. 

I  haven’t stalked you. I could just tell it. 

Or maybe because I have convinced myself that it is better for you

when I am not near. I believe it. 

Oye, I understand you now. 

And I forgive myself. 

I have forgiven you as well 

I am still waiting for  time to heal even though it is not a doctor. 

Life is unfair, but it was needed at that junction .

My heart is lighter as I have written my  grief.

In due time, I would be completely heal. 

Thank you for your journey with me.

I wish you the best there could every be.