Even men feel insecure

Man, I couldn’t have understood you if I tried. 

Boy, I would never feel your pains like mine.

When I was 22, I dated a man who would never take his shirts off before my eyes. 

And at 27, I met a man who rarely smiled. 

365 days later, I decided to tour the possible agonies of men. The heavy weight of crisis that keeps them up at night. I decided to take a trip into what they conceal. What they fear to reveal out of fear that a stain it might be. And it took me 54 days to write some of the words I’ve heard. 

Even though I took my time, I didn’t think it was enough. I spent those days soaking in the storm of the men who have shared their thoughts and voices and I realized, we never celebrate men enough. We barely allowed them to be humans. 

Some men I met told me they cannot mourn, they dare not.   

  Men definitely have their storms. And today, I shall talk about some of the things that makes men insecure as I have heard from the mouth of some. 

When I lost my mum, I couldn’t cry. And what felt like my life flashed before my eyes and as I stole glances at my father, I could tell he was torn apart. After all, I was also a man. But I couldn’t go closer or touch his palms, where I come from, a man never holds a man unless it is for a fight.

  Whenever tears drops off my eyes, I cringe and I ask to die. I feel insecure when I cry. As though I have broken the rules that surrounds the man that I am. I can never forgive myself for not expressing grief how I preferred, but I am a man and I wouldn’t dare- He said.

After he spoke, I fell apart. Perhaps it was in pity or in shame of the tag society put on a person of this shade. 

I started to realize even men feel insecure and they feel shame.  

I understand why my lover at 22 never took his shirt off. Whenever he was bare, he was full of hair and one could barely see through his chest, atleast that’s what I heard. I wanted to go back in time to tell him it was beautiful. The body he had and the things he could do, but he would have fought his heart to believe. Because even my old lover was too insecure to let me in. 

I couldn’t be the one- They said I was too much like daddy and that made me insecure. Daddy left often times than once. Never having him around felt like a flaw and vulnerability was too much a talk. To make it worse, I couldn’t play football. I didn’t belong, “that was my insecurity” .

My insecurity was fear- Fear that junior was just like daddy. 

And I was weirdly stared at for being the tallest in the party. 

My height was too much of a hook. Whenever it was mentioned, I wished to take out some. 

One time, I was called less of a man. Because I didn’t know a thing about football. So I fake it in spaces, showing up in viewing centers, it was vain but I kept pretending. 

And I was hoping for an understanding, but I never got any. 

For me, I had no daddy, I felt like an outcast. 

Everyone would pick on me. It’s still a lot to get pass. 

Sometimes, I get this crazy triggers, but I would soon turn 31.

So, I think it’s past due  time to mention it outside. 

I don’t  think  PTSD is a man’s thing-They said. 

That’s why it took me 54 days to read. 

Because I couldn’t understand the answers to give.

And I was trying to see through the scars of these men. 

If or not, they’ve healed. 

But it is hard to tell, there is just so much concealed. 

o lack is a fear. 

To lack grips my chest. 

Out here, Value is attached to you on the basics of the needs you meet.

When I lack, I am broken. 

It is like my guard has fallen

I begin to fear for my life. 

I think the word is more than insecure. 

I am struggling to believe my woman wouldn’t leave. 

In denial that I would be less accepted by those who really wanted me. It makes me so insecure that as a man, I hurt. 

I am insecure when I don’t belong. 

When the party is bubbling and I don’t drink or puff.

When I am not eager to touch or be drunk 

And the O. G’s count me as the odd one -off.

I have been left go from a tuff. 

There is insecurity from comparison.

Telling me your ex was a dubia prince

And your cousin who is a guy has 52 properties.

When mumzy says our neighbor has a job from NYSC base

And I am stuck looking for how much could be made 

My insecurity comes from lacking  

For so long, we’ve stereotyped men. 

We don’t make some feel enough 

And it’s a fight for most to open up. 

Bottled, Caged, Scared of vulnerability, 

Called names. 

We are sorry for the damages made. 

I acknowledge that you have a great body

You are nothing like the past of your daddy. 

You are not a nobody because of your financial incapacity. 

I hope that you find peace. 

I pray you are settled. 

I know there is a better space. 

I hope society eases her chain. 

I pray you find the courage to live for you. 

To understand that narratives could change. 

I celebrate you.

All of those your shade.

Dear men, may you find joy. 

May your good work yield results. 

May God remind you of His warm embrace. 

Just as my team and I send our love today.

You are safe.