Remnants

 I went back in time. I went back in time to when I met you. When you caused me to smile, when I fell in love with your sound. 

When there were things we could talk about. I visited the spaces we had, when you and I had shared love with no bounds. 

I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to. I got used to you. I got used to that space we had. I got used to you and I. 

I got used to your silence, to my pains. I got used to not expecting you to stay. 

It’s changing and it’s scary. 

When I went back in time, it was the one place I didn’t want to be, because I am still learning to heal. We faded, we faded away. These dark corners on my inside. It causes me cry day by day. 

So now.....

I am walking with so much scars. I wanted you to stay, so badly. 

I didn’t like not waking up to you. And I had to push myself, I wanted you to be there. I was weak and I was tired. I wanted to hold you so tightly. 

I wanted to call you by name. I went back in time and I opened my scars again, because I am looking for courage, the courage to start again. And it took me a while to realize that it never was your fault, I don’t think it was mine either. 

I just didn’t know myself enough to say that the pain was enough. I can’t hold on to that. 

To the times that you failed me, to when I failed myself, because it was those moments that I saw God call me and tell me to take bold steps. 

So, I am here and it’s a new beginning. 

And my heart hurts, it’s definitely still bleeding. I am spending more days in my closet, all I can say is, God, please heal me. 

I can’t deny that it hurts. I tried to conceal and be tough, but I promise I don’t want to be like that anymore. I went back in time, it’s a place I shouldn’t have been. 

If you ever get the chance, don’t try to make it up to me, just be a better being for whoever the next might be. If I ever was too selfish, forgive me. If I was rigid, forgive me. 

I went back in time, it looked like I gave all of me, but in the wrong season. So, I am here on my bed after shedding so much tears, I am learning to forgive.  It’s just so much that I bore. It left me bare. 

Or maybe I want you to make it up to me. I don’t know, but it’s fine. I am just sitting here wondering, why did it take so much time? 

I just think it’s unfair that I went through so much agony. You should have known me, you should have. You could have saved me the tough times. Now, I have to pretend that when you walk me down the aisle, it hurts that you were never there. I forgive you and I forgive myself. 

I don’t know what for, but I know we would get to share it. Till then, I cannot write the way that I feel completely, but I know I needed you and you weren’t there and I hid it, and it made me a wreck. So, I am sorry. 

For everything. REMNANTS  by Olu❤️