I don't know

Three years ago:

My soul laid to rest beside yours, all of the woman I dreamt to be rested in the man you were.

If my lips were to be read, your name would be the first words to be heard.

Before now, I couldn't remember how you tasted or how the fragrance of your cologne separated my desires and hurt. 

Before now, I forgot how you held my chins high when I stood before you in the dress I ripped with my hands.

The various ways in which you sank your spirit into mine, while you listened to the song I wasn't sure I wanted the world to hear.

That was a fire only you could quench by sinking some part of your lips into mine, by shutting your eyes while my heels are subconsciously raised high. 

That fire, I still don't have a name for.

TODAY:

However, I long to hear you say I have made you proud.

I want to jam my chest into the higher region of your waist, I want to hold you tightly so the celebration doesn't go to waste.

I want to let you know that I saw you when you cried, that I haven't forgiven myself.

I want to let you know; over a cup of whiskey with your shorts on me, that I have found myself.

A lot has changed... A lot hasn't.

I still cry myself to sleep.

I still imagine.

I still hold on to my errors.

I still don't believe in magic.

I want to say to you that you make me a better person, I want to light some candles, feed you and laugh with you.

I want to let you lift me, so I can submit myself into your arms and hear you say you love me, for the first and last time.

Tonight, I am here. 

Wide awake, going through every mistakes I made.

Tonight, I shall forget your name, or so I always say.

Tonight, I shall soak in my pains, just so I can wake up tomorrow to continue the race.

I don't know what to wish for, but I don't want it to be you.

Yet, If I could choose a thing from my before, I'd decide to spend a night with you.

A lot happened when I got transformed.

I lost my way to you.

Until this realm is over, I would never steal a glance at you.

I hope you understand that life began with you, but whole was never in you. And I know home can never come from you.

But I really do appreciate you.

Farewell or shall I say aduie?